It is what it is - (written in August and edited/posted in October)

A sunny August day, beautiful in every way. It's been forever since I've blogged on here so I thought I would lay bare my soul before the world today. However, I'd be surprised if many check out this space much anymore. Perhaps, as many of these blogs are, it's for me more than anything - my online diary. So much to be thankful for: sweets from Swede Hollow Cafe', the beauty of creation, the summer wildflowers - I love the flowers and the tall prairie grass (the other day we picked a beautiful wildflower bouquet) , friends, my lovely kids, my husband who works so hard in the heat of the day for us. The other day I went for a run in the 90 degree heat and on the way home I licked the salty sweat from my fingers tasting the life in my body. I felt so alive! I tasted so alive! Ken must taste his sweat everyday, painting out in the strong sun, dripping away his energy for us. He never complains but has lately come home very tired. He's working so hard so that I can have five months of maternity leave. Sacrifices - each day we make sacrifices, all over the world people make sacrifices, for those we love. We wouldn't do it any different but expending all our energy can make one tired most days and at other days feeling alive.

Yes, so much to be thankful for....,unfortunately for a long time i've been so restless - wondering/wishing for a new way for my family- new environment, new meaningful employment, new house, a fresh faith, i've been fearful and restless...now, today actually, i realize that what i have, what i'm experiencing is what my life is. I have nothing else. I mean, yes i have dreams and longings at times but they are just that, dreams. Perhaps one day some of the dreams will become alive but for now life exists in the reality of my life as it is. If i want changes to occur in my life they need to occur within the framework in which i am living. And my life now consists of the following: a small nice house in neighborhood that has potential (with a backyard of mostly dirt), loving, chaotic, fun-filled, and tiring moments spent with my 2yr old and almost 5mo old - teaching, learning, laughing, crying- our two big faithful dogs that we hardly have time for, and my best friend as my husband and life partner, - ken and i are partners in parenting and working to support our lives and our kids'. We both work half-time in our current occupations but we are most definitely full-time parents. My faith for the last 9 years has been challenged and fear has dominated my life more than faith has. I won't go into all of that right now but it's enough today to realize that it's a path that i wish to change and one area that i can focus on changing . If i can't change the outside stuff then i can at least make little changes on the inside.

A friend reminded me the other day of a favorite Annie Dillard quote from "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek", one of my all time favorite books, it goes "how we spend our days, of course, is how we spend our lives." Plain and simple. A persistent focus on the future really does nothing to enrich one's present circumstances and life, however, a persistent focus on the present does everything to impact one's future life and the life of one's family, don't you think?!
I do!

I recently went to a seminar for nursing credit on "The Science of Happiness". One of the things that research has discovered about "happy" people is the ability that they have to see the extraordinary in the ordinary and find small pleasures in one's everyday life. I didn't really need to go to the seminar to know this to be true, yet hearing these truths about happiness validated and added an exclamation point to my thoughts! Letting go of our negative thoughts quickly was another factor that contributed to happiness. Wish I could say that I have that ability but.....I guess now I have something to work toward... ;) . One last thing that I took home from the seminar was this "what we focus our time and energy on is what we become". I regretfully have been for a long time too focused on the news (I hardly even watch it anymore but what I do see sticks with me like a fungus) which everyone knows is perhaps one of the most negatively slanted views on life out there! Lord knows, I don't want to become the ugliness that I see on the News!! (Side note to Becky "throw away the TV" " if such and such causes you to fall get rid of it, cut it out" isn't that what someone said once).

Now on a much more positive note, my kids - they are filled with beauty.... radiating it daily, shining it into my life in the most hectic and beautiful moments. I have to remember that they, who are very fresh from the hand of God, have the better outlook on this life of ours. My older one, Miriam, believes that everything (sadness, pain, hurts) can all be remedied with a kiss, an expression and gift of love. That's really not so far from the truth, is it. I want to focus on these things, what I know to be real in my life. Maybe then I will become the beauty that my family so radiates, that exists in things like love, grace, and forgiveness.

Yes, how we spend our moments is how we spend our days and lives! So today I choose to embrace this joy inside and all around me.

Thoughts on a Saturday

Haven't blogged for awhile so thought I would. Been working lots and feel like the days are eluding me. I'm into the third trimester of probably my last pregnancy ever so I should be enjoying every moment of the growth of this little lively miracle inside me. And I am amazed at this miracle but also....I'm busy...busy with the trivialities of life, i.e. laundry, household duties, worries of work, etc.

The real moments in my life that seem drenched with meaning and love are the ones spent with my husband and daughter and contemplating this new life inside. I come home from work to Ken and Miri peering out the window in our house waiting for me - I can't tell you how this makes me feel as I literally run to the door of my home. Home - Webster's definition- "1) a congenial environment, 2) a place of one's origin, 3) the social unit formed by a family living together." Definiton 2 is probably most how I feel about "home", however, home means far more than that (a place of belonging) to me. It is a place of complete freedom, a place of incredible love and support, and for me it is a place stripped of pretense and/or the temptation to be what one is not.

So I walk in the door and am greeted with the warmest, most enthusiastic greetings, kisses from Ken and Miri as Miri helps me strip off my coat, in many ways reminding me that I am home and it's time to strip away all the facades and worries of the day. I am home. And I realize that I could be anywhere with these two and I would still be home, always at home.

And now before you know it a new little one will join us. Sometimes I wonder how I'll love this one - fears come, will I love this one like my Ken and Miri. And quickly I think of how love is limitless, there is never a short supply of it- it just grows and grows and grows. Just like this little miracle inside, just like God's love, neverending always there and constant.

And this little one will belong just like the rest of us belong - it works. The pieces somehow just fit together. In this busyness in my life right now I am able to pause and see how really beautiful these moments are.

Harmless as doves

It has been a long time since our family has blogged on here so I, Becky, thought I'd give it a go as mind my is full of thoughts. Maybe this blog will in a sense be cathartic for me. I've written about this in my family's previous blogs however, I'd like to mention it again.

One of the things I've mentioned before and cannot even attempt to hide is how much I love my little girl and the innocence that is in her. It's beautiful - she's so free, so open to all kinds of people, unafraid of new things, her emotions are so real, etc. She can be walking along and say "Hi" to any stranger and they respond to her. I, on the other hand, will say "Hi" to strangers when I'm out running and I can't tell you how many people look away or just don't respond. It bugs me and has actually made me say "hi" louder but to no further avail. What is it with people?

They respond to Miri because she's innocent, she doesn't demand anything of them, they don't question her motives. She's just purely being friendly. I actually think that adults are flattered when a baby freely chooses to communicate with them. (How nice it would be if people were flattered that I chose to say Hi to them :) ). When I say "hello" I know that my motives are innocent and that I'm just trying to be friendly but the people who I pass by don't know this and each of them has their own complex life story, maybe they don't trust people, or maybe they don't like my skin color, or maybe they are afraid, maybe they don't like people in general, maybe their deaf- I don't know but for what ever reason they keep distant.

It's not just when I'm trying to say hello to people that I notice this, it seems to happen everywhere; so many people are skeptical and on guard all of the time. No longer do neighbors trust neighbors. The media fills all of us with such fear that we question whether the guy or girl down the road is going to try to sexually molest our kids. We even doubt our clergy. I understand the fear but with the fear I also long and hope for the freedom to love people without them questioning my motives or me questioning theirs. I pray for the eyes to see and believe that people's motives may in fact be good at times. I long for a place where that childlike innocence that Miri displays can reside. I long for a place where friends can walk hand in hand and not be questioned in regard to their sexual orientation. I long for a place where people can tell people that they love them without the person thinking "wow she is so weird".

There are times when this freedom is seen and is acceptable but oftentimes it's in the midst of tragedy like 911 or a death of someone we cared about; in those times we embrace eachother and are able to enter honestly into our emotions freely without being judged or judging. Suffering is terrible, never easy to go through, and so often difficult to understand but to see the beauty that it can at times bring through the loving connection of strangers and family is an amazing byproduct. Why is it that it takes pain to tear away our pretense?

I often do feel childlike inside and sometimes I probably act this way too - my husband, Ken, may say it's more childish than childlike but I would disagree, of course. People who know me know this about me. People who don't probably do think I'm weird. I guess it doesn't matter. I do find comfort in the fact that in my Christian worldview I can know that it is God who looks deep inside and sees the motives inside my heart. God is really the only one who can fairly judge anyway. But I still hope for a heaven on earth like scenario where the beauty in our lives flows from the inside out and can be accepted in it's pure form.

Thoughts & Prayers For This Day

Have mercy on me, O Beneficent One, I was angered

for I had no shoes: then I met a man who had no feet.

-Chinese saying

Fear does not gladden.

Healing does.

Fear always makes exceptions.

Healing never does.

Fear produces dissociation,

because it induces separation.

Healing always produces harmony,

because it proceeds from integration.

-from A Course in Miracles

Every man prays in his own language,

and there is no language that

God does not understand.

-Duke Ellington

I do not ask to walk smooth paths

nor bear an easy load.

I pray for strength and fortitude

to climb the rock strewn road

Give me such courage and I can scale

the headiest peaks alone,

And transform every stumbling block

into a stepping stone

-Gail Brook Burkett

Posted by Becky

New Kayaks!!!

1. 
   
   Last weekend Kenny and I went to Midwest-mountaineerings' annual Kayak/canoe auction. It is quite possibly the biggest Kayak auction in the country. We both have touring kayaks at home that we have used many a time on local rivers but Kenny had his heart set on a creek boat which is used more for rougher whitewater rivers. So.......the deals were so good that day that we were able to get two creek kayaks - one for me and one for kenny! The one on the top with Miri in it is the one that I bid on. It is a darker red - more like a tomato color whereas kenny's is more strawberryish. Both used but nice river kayaks. We are eager to test them out on some of the more active rivers in the midwest region. Yaaay!! I am so excited!!
   

This last picture is of my brother Pete (on the left) performing with a friend of his a few songs that they each wrote. We met them over at Tillie's coffee in Minneapolis. This was in the evening - the same day of the auction. Pete performed very well. It was a super fun day. And a beautiful warm one for this time of year. Let the Summer begin!!!!!!

Ode to Matt

Here are my two attempts at Haiku poetry tonight (rivers seem to be filling my mind and images of peace):

#1
Barefoot in the brook
Happy feet dancing freely
Joy is found in this

#2
The river babbles
Active, lively with purpose
My dry soul listens

Becky

Easter Pictures

Kenny and Miri with her new frog from Suzy
Miri with her Easter basket
Miri hunting for Easter eggs. She was actually really walking around with her little basket looking for eggs. My amazing little 16month old!